The Book of St James

And it came to pass that in the town of Wim-born there dwelt some men and boys that chased the bladder of the pig, hereinafter called team foot-ball. And they were given a new field on which to play and an adjoining temple of refreshment but a wizened soothsayer of four score years visited upon the ground and saith “Ye and thy kind are not welcome here, ye shall not prosper upon this hallowed ground” That is to say You lot can go forth and multiply.


And the team tried mightily but could not get past the keeper of the net when another team foot-ball came to visit. The young men hereinafter called play-ers did speak to the Overseer who selected his disciples and they saith unto the Overseer “Sire, many of us have not yet reached a score in years and when the visiting team foot-ball comes from far-off lands they bring giants like Mac-cooty and Landri-coom. The Overseer answered them by showing that his pockets were empty of shekels and said that until more shekels were in his pockets they would have to carry on.


And there was great unease amongst those who watched the contests, hereinafter called fans, as they were expected to pay many shekels to walk through the gates to the hallowed ground, even eight shekels to tether a chariot. The Overseer was condemned for the weekly failing of the team-football, “He knoweth not what he doeth, he doth not shout, he doth not look the part, he must depart to the wilderness with all haste” These things and more were written on their tablets by the fans.


And the Pharoah who kept the shekels said “I will anoint his twin brother as Overseer and all will be well” And when the fans saw the brother they waxed wroth and sayeth “It is the same man thou hast anointed for another year, do you take us for fools? And the Pharoah said “ Ye naysayers, the new man hath a beard, that is to say if he does not shave”


And so it was that after many games of team foot-ball, Wim-born were moved downwards which is to say Rele-gated where they must contest gladiators from Lymington and the mighty Frome. And some fans accepted their fate, thought it for the best and could foresee a land running with milk and honey. Indeed some fans believed the Promised Land was but weeks away as like as not.


The new Overseer, St James of Stokoe began to fulfil his promises by sending into the desert several disciples who were not singing from the same hymn sheet, like Judas the keeper of the net who could receive a handful more of shekels elsewhere and Curtis the Younger which caused much hand-wringing amongst the fans. St James began to associate with older play-ers who had played the game of team foot-ball until it was called association foot-ball. Upon seeing these names writ large upon the sky, the fans fell upon their knees and said “Forgive us great Overseer, back at the December feast-day we thought you didn’t have a clue but now we can see clearly your many attributes. You are bringing big tent gladiators with names to strike fear into our opponents like Ashley of Wells and St Luke of Burbidge to mention just a few”

St James was revered wherever he walked, fans tried to reach out and touch the hem of his coat for here was a new Messiah upon whom they could rely to do great things.